1. |
The Chosen People
02:31
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Lai-didi-dai-dididididai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai
Antisemitism needs to stop, it’s due to a lack of education
We’re so sick of the myths, the stereotypes and the hateful accusations
It’s a shame we can’t all get along and love our fellow man
If we were left alone we’d finally complete our world domination plan
I wear a skullcap on my head to hide my devil horns
We control the media, we even have Ron Jeremy for porn
We have an extremist fringe, they have fringes on their clothes
Like Toucan Sam we get outta jams, we just follow our nose
Yai-bibi-bai-bibibibi-bai bai bai Oy oy oy oy oy!
Who strikes with throwing Stars of David? Our ninjews dressed in black
We’d be unkillable if not for our kryptonite: the anxiety attack
Our most potent chemical weapon is potato latke smell
We put mind-control chips in pork to keep the gentiles under our spell
Oy-oyoy-oy-oyoyoyoyoy oy oy kha kha kha kha kha!
We’ve got a Fort Knox of baby foreskin, it fuels our doomsday device
We’ve never sold our souls because we couldn’t jack up the price
We’ll wait ‘til after Shabbos to set the world on fire
Cuz you haggled over our bread prices
and we hate challah cost-deniers
We’ll turn all your toys to dreidels
We’ll turn all your fish to gefilte
Our overlord is the Jewish Mothership
She controls us using guilt-eh
We’ll go Jurassic and resurrect a carnivorous Dinah Shore
When we take over the world we won’t have Christmas anymore
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2. |
For a Friend
02:37
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I’m new in town, but life’s getting me down
Got no friends and nothing to do
As a guy in my twenties without any money
Socially I’m kinda screwed
My old buddies got hitched then they suddenly ditched me
Being single’s not fun anymore
Well I tried OKCupid but it made me feel stupid,
No girl wants me cuz I’m not six foot four
But I have a plan, to tear down these walls
It’s risky, well, it takes lots of balls
I’m going on Grindr
But just for a friend
There’s reason to my rhyme, these are desperate times
So I’m taking desperate measures
But let me be clear, My eye is not queer
I’m not looking for physical pleasures
I simply desire a pal who can boost my morale
I'll be making that clear as day
I hope that’s alright, for me it's black and white
There’s no 50 shades of gay
We’ll watch movies with no sexual thrill
Let’s Netflix and keep perfectly still
I’m going on Grindr
But just for a friend, with no benefits
You’re welcome to flirt, but my libido’s inert
Don’t bother, you’re set up to fail
Let’s compare shared interests, don’t send me your dick pics, they’ll all wind up in my junk mail
When you stop by my pad we will face off in Madden
Then we'll smoke a bowl and kick our feet up
That’s what I meant when I said "I’ll show you a good time"
I want to meet up, but NOT get your meat up
I only want you to fill me with glee
There's no ifs ands or buttsex for me
I’m going on Grindr, but just for true love
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3. |
Granola World
03:37
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This quaint little new age town has made a whole new man out of me
Before I was so mainstream but now I’m one with alternative society
I go to a reiki master, any ailment his energy flow can correct
The only thing it can’t cure is skepticism that it’s all placebo effect
I buy the whole bar a round of raw milk
They’ll pay me back through barter trade
But I won’t make any deals
While Mercury’s in retrograde
Welcome to granola world
Where so many offbeat lives unfurled
This is my home truly,
We go together like dreadlocks and patchouli
It really gets me high
How folks here look me in the third eye
This drum circle’s giving off good vibrations,
Sigmund Freud would say I have an aura fixation
I’m in a club for laughter yoga and lovingkindness meditation
The moms bring their kids to chicken pox parties, they tell me that’s safer than vaccination
My deodorant is chemical-free, so it won’t oppress my armpit’s natural scents
I can only get laid at music festivals, so when I make love it’s in tents (I’ll camp out on that punchline)
When my mom disinfected my kitchen
I held a funeral for the dead protozoa
I won’t buy food with ingredients I can’t pronounce
So I won’t eat "quinoa"
Namaste granola world
I love to hula hoop and fire twirl
My new friends are quirky
But you will love their thanksgiving Tofurkey
Every day’s like summer camp
Just with a Himalayan pink salt lamp
We want to change the world with a Dalai Lama quote
But we’re not registered to vote
(Instrumental)
It’s a whole new granola world
It’s my oyster with eco-friendly pearls
My beard’s adorned with flowers
I dance in the rain instead of taking showers
My chakra gemstones rock
But I’m just compensating for the size of my compost pile
I’m against materialism and greed
That’s why whatever I earn, I spend it all on weed
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4. |
Self-Preservation
03:16
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I’m seeking a job, no luck, I’m going out of my mind
And my attempts with girls are like my credit cards, keep getting declined
But I’ve stumbled on a great solution that’ll help me get by
Because there’s a place that’ll pay me well, all I gotta do is unzip my fly
At the sperm bank, sperm bank
Donating will make me feel so good
At the sperm bank, sperm bank
A whole new way of making paper from wood
I can pass on my genes with no infant screams or child support
As long as I’m college educated, with no history of genital warts
Each woman browses detailed prices & resumes for every sample provider
I dip my denim pants in unfiltered apple juice
Because I want my genes inside her
At the sperm bank’s no place for shooting blanks
I’d have saved those used tissues if I knew I’d get paid
I’m a sperm banker, a professional wanker
I can be an alpha male without ever getting laid, ooh yeah
At the sperm bank, I’ll give it a firm spank
Only 10,000 hours til mastery
This turns my crank so I’ll affirm thanks
I swear I’ll give testimony once they give me teste money
Let’s do this!
The nurse led me to the masturbatorium
Handed me a cup then slammed the door
I should’nt have brought along my blacklight pen
I mean what were they thinking with a carpeted floor
Then I realized that if my seed impregnates multiple local mothers
There’s a chance my biological offspring could meet
And wind up boning each other
At the sperm bank, I learned some news that’s displeasing
The deal fell through, it got the bulldozer
Apparently my little sperms didn’t survive cryo-freezing
Now I’m not a rockstar donor, I’m just a cum-poser
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5. |
Sing Along
03:26
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Attention passengers, please remain calm
My chapstick fell, I dropped the balm
Islam forbids me from being gay
But my boyfriend’s a gorilla, that’s haram bae
Aye caramba who ate my shorts
The pig with papilloma, that’s Hogwarts
Slap my wall with spaghetti to test if it’s ready
Jack off a clown to make him cumfetti
It takes too long to make oolong T
Synesthesia crunch the taste you can see
Let’s sloppily make out like bandits
I wish I had boobs, I’m a praying Mantits
So glitter them for glamoury mammaries
Just a gram of my grammar will make your grandma burn calories
Like spoiled Sting, I’m temper tantric
You hate my puns, that’s anti-semantic
Everybody, sing along, because here’s the easy part of this song (2x)
I’m a taxidermist, I kill it I fill it
I’m a pansexual I lick the skillet
I smell what you’re cooking, chicken cacciatore
Don’t bang teenagers on the counter, that’s kitchen statutory
Like Luigi you’ll get one-upped,
The floor is lava watch me erupt
I make borscht from the beats I drop below
I wear a tampon because I’ve got heavy flow
Oh that’s just a wet dream, I spilled coffee on my jeans
I should’ve left room for cream
I caught Z’s like a Polish dictionary
Who took my money and my teeth? The meth addiction fairy
Like a Seinfeld bass, I slap my pitches
Now watch me master bait & switches,
Don’t be unnerved
I’ve got fresh jams, they’re well preserved
Everybody sing along, because here’s the easy part of this song (2x)
Take an R2Detour, because I C 3 P.O.
Three officers to bust me, I’m on parole
They say settle down but I’m not gonna
I don’t wanna marry but I do marijuana
So this is a potbelly not a beergut
I got balls to the window then I bust a wallnut
Let’s get it on like Pokemon, shut the door
because I’m about to make you Vulvasore
Shun Sean Hannity, save the manatee,
Fair as vanity, whoop! there goes my sanity
My food truck is Halal, that’s smart,
Because I serve Allah cart
I’ll stop before your jaws hit the floor,
I’m done with puns, but wait there’s more!
President Garfield died on a Monday,
Popstar with big nipples, Areola Grande
Everybody sing along, because here’s the easy part of this song (2x)
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Ben Pernick New York, New York
Ben Pernick is an NYC-based comedy singer/songwriter and comedian. He hosts an NYC comedy singer songwriter showcase, "Punpernickel", and has performed all over NYC including the New York Comedy Music Festival. He is well-known for his raunchy wordplay, rapid-fire raps, and gut-busting parody songs. ... more
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